Red State/Blue State

Apolitical discussion between Red State

conservative Dave Simpson - a former reporter,

editor, publisher and columnist -

and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive

editor of GreaterMedia Newspapers.

Dear Greg:

Hey, that Eliot Spitzer Blue State Gov. (ret.) sure got things straightened out in NewYork during his short tenure, huh, pal?

He promised new passion in government, and by golly, he delivered. In fact, he brought so much passion to New York that even you frisky Blue Staters figured that was too frisky. So, Eliot and your former NewJersey governor have the distinction of being too freewheeling in their sexual proclivities even for freewheeling, almost anything goes, we still like Bill, it's none of our business Blue Staters.

Wow.

The good news, I guess, is that in both cases, their wives stood on the stage with them at their moment of maximum, warpspeed disgrace. That's nice. If that was my wife, or your long-suffering wife, I suspect they'd be busy at home, changing the locks and throwing our stuff onto the front lawn, and forgo the public appearance. Or, they'd be in the county jail, chargedwith simple assault, and we'd be brandishing fresh head wounds.

Both of those politicians'wives probably figured, "As soon as this no good, philandering flannel-mouth stops talking, I've got an appointment with the most vicious divorce lawyer on the East Coast.'' In the name of women's liberation, one would hope so.

The thing I don't understand, Greg, is howone hour ofANYTHINGcould beworth $5,000, except maybe brain surgery. And, wouldn't paying a hooker that much money give a guy a case of performance anxiety? Think of all the non-frisky things thatwould be going through your mind at the moment of maximum friskiness - your swell job as governor, your three daughters, your wife, the FBI, the mean things you did to Dick Grasso, not to mention all the other things you could be doing with $5,000.

I'll say this for Eliot: he can compartmentalize, and keep hismind on the task at hand.

Out here in the frozenRed States, $5,000 translates into one-third of a bass boat, Greg, and that's one of those fancy package dealswith the live fishwells built in, an outboard withmore horsepower thanmy Ford, and a swell trailer. Think of it - for the price of three trysts, Eliot could have been reeling in lunkers at Lake of the Ozarks, and going to see BoxcarWillie in Branson in the evenings.

To each his own, I guess, but it boggles the Red State mind, old friend.

Of course, you guys are a lot more sophisticated back in the Blue States, where sleazy deals like this are called mere "peccadilloes'' with "paramours,'' and hardly worth mentioning.

It's to Eliot's credit, however, that he zipped up and resigned. We both know another politician who didn't, but I won't go there.

There's one other thing I don't understand, Greg. I heard lots of Blue State Sympathetic journalists calling Eliot's peccadillo "a tragedy.'' But, I don't remember anyone calling Larry Craig's Minneapolis men's room tap dance a tragedy.

Funny how that works, huh? Trying to figure it all out,

I'myours truly, Red State Dave

Dear Dave:

All I can say is I'm glad all this came about when it did, because with Britney Spears in rehab orwherever she is, Iwas beginning to fear there wouldn't be enough sleaze in the news to get us through themud month.

I don't know who you're reading, Dave, but I can assure you there aren'tmany people in New Jersey or New York calling the various indiscretions of governors and former governors "tragedies."

Most of us have reacted like my wife, who said, "If that was you, pardner, the last thing you'd see was me standing over your well-ventilated body saying, 'Howdo you reload this thing?' "

Even out here in the Blue States - where we know the difference between crudités and celery stalkswith peanut butter or squeeze cheese - we aren't calling any of these instances "peccadilloes" with assorted "paramours."

We're calling themcheap and downright disgusting. As evidence, I'd point you to the most recent edition of New York Magazine, which had a picture of Eliot Spitzer on the cover and a red arrow pointing at his "Brain," which looked a lot more like his crotch than his noggin. But to tell you the truth, evenwe sophisticates are getting a little punch drunk from the never-ending stream of revelations.

As skeeved as we were by ex-governor James McGreevey's admission a few years ago that he'd had a homosexual relationship with a guy he later named hisHomeland Security adviser, and Eliot Spitzer's resignation because he spent hismoney on hookers instead of fishing boats (later information suggested he might have spent as much as $80,000 on these escorts,more than enough to buy the fanciest boat on Lake of the Ozarks or any other pond where guys wearing Caterpillar gimme caps chase the wily bass), even we were pushed into gross-out overload by what came next.

I'm talking, of course, about New York Gov. David Paterson's admission right after taking over from Spitzer that instead of the single affair he confessed on the day he took office, he in fact had "several" with several different women. Then came the bombshell from the guy who said he had a bunch of threesomes (they called 'em "Friday Night Specials") with McGreevey and his thenwife before James became governor. The exgovernor confirmed that story, by the way.

What's next, we're asking each other? Something involving sheep?

Whatever it turns out to be, it's my prediction it'll make what SlickWillie did with the intern seemabsolutely tame by comparison. In fact, the worst thingWillie appears to have been guilty of is lack of imagination.

I know how shocked and outraged you are by this whole bloody business, though, because this sort of thing never happens in flyover country (joke). I'm sure neither Republicans nor Democrats in the Red Zone are chippying around out there, because it's just too darned cold. Fool around out there with someone other than your spouse, and youmight wind up with a frozen peccadillo.

That,my friend,would be a real tragedy.

Yours in chastity,

Blue State Greg